My Home.

I'm a million miles away smiling at a camera on the other side. I'm on the way to visit my heart in my home town and I'm so far out, it'd be impossible to reach me. I'm already gone, but maybe in 5 or 10 I'll be back again. I use to dream these stories if waking up here again, counting those very seconds til I'd be home again. But not I'm back and I still feel empty and I realize. That when I lay awake at night, biting on my lips to stop from letting out the tears. I think back to where you are in all of these and why you aren't here. To stop my rage and all those broken lines. To fight off all the hurt and tell me it'd be alright. To beat up anyone who broke my heart and hold me when I hit the floor. To stand me tall when I was so lost and insecure. To guide me back to find myself when I'm still gazing out on my journey back home.



© K

My Apologizes.

I know I'm always in a rush to go and be gone away for a life time. It really hurts when I have to stop and even cherish the fights. I want you to know, I'm already missing the times I pretended to hear you say it's alright. Even when you were sick like tonight and you would tell me not to worry. It hurts to know you were just going along. It makes me wait, and take back a step, to hold it all in. Boxed and packed. I keep my emotions hidden and locked away in a secret place, behind closed doors so no one, not even you can find them. For so long you were my release, my only outlet to make it through the day. As time went on you became the one thing that could always make me cry. I moved on to other things to keep me sane, from hurting anyone or myself, to make sure I never broke out and made a scream or shout.



© K

I Survived

I've made it through these last two years without you by my side. I'm not sure I'm doing so fine though. It's been rough to find my way. I don't think you'd be so proud to see, how many ways I've tried. It's never enough to say I'm done. To call it quits just like you. I could never make the same mistake as you. I learned so much from you more than I thought I ever could. You made me see the joy in life and the fear of death. To stand tall no matter how much you want to fall. You let me go when you said it'd never happen. I never thought I'd see the day I fell so hard, I didn't see anything that could make it hurt so bad. I didn't think anything could make me cry so many wet-less tears. To make me sob in agony and my own self pity and emptiness. But then, you were gone.

August 17, 1990-October 17, 2007

Loved always, forgotten never.





© K

Words to the Wise

NO ONE. Not one single soul, is going to be honest with you. No matter how many times you tell them to be. Even though you tell them, how it wont hurt your feelings. How it wont effect anything if they could just be honest. But no. No person in this world. Can ever be straight up honest with you. They fear what will happen if god forbid they were actually not only honest with you, but themselves.




© K

Lost Hopes

There was so much there.
A life time of stories and a lasting friendship to come.
So much left that was unexplained and so much to still be there for.
We were so close to everything, every goal worth reaching, every talk worth having. And living a life you thought was worth living.
All the hard times still to come and all the fights that were never won.
The kiss and make ups and hit and break ups. All those moments that lasted just a second to long for everyone but us.
The hours we spent talking late at night and days we spent together.
How time flew by when you were around, and how now each second drags on longer and longer.
How I hate myself for not deciding what to feel.
Whether to miss and love you, or to be glad it's over and hate you.
Either way I hate myself for doing either.
You always won those battles I had with myself.
How it seems so stupid now to sit and look back.
How foolish I was to think I could fix it.
But now I know better.
Time is never wasted, but possibly spent wrongly.
And nothing is regrettable but learn from that mistake.
And loving you was never my problem. It was loving you so much to the point where I could break.
Not trusting myself. And dealing with it the wrong way.
Letting you go so easily.
Tore me up in two.
And as I watched you leave me behind, and not shed a single tear.
Broke me, even more than I could bare.
When I see you around so careless and still unphased.
While I stand there with my body shaking softly and my lip trembling oh so slightly.
All my heart can do is try to hold it's beat.
And hold my breath til I cant see you anymore.


© K

Truth

It's not the words of our enemies, it's the silence of our friends.
To be happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it means that
you have decided to see beyond the imperfections.
To accept it's allowed to be selfish.
To acknowledge the quieter you become the more you can hear.
To see that everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.
That if you touch one thing with deep awareness you touch
everything.
That patience is key to joy.



© K

November 6, 2008

When the sun stops shining.
And the moon stops glowing.
The world still goes on.
People may never wonder
what really goes on.
But we walk the dim lit
streets without questions.
All with such innocent smiles.



© K

October 19, 2008

I stand there looking towards the sky.
Making such a useless attempt not to die.
I bite down so hard, my lips start to bleed.
And all that time spent on so many anxiety attacks
come back with a crash.
All those wasted letters still messy in stacks.
With ruby red shed memories laid out on your bed.
Believe what you will but I'd prefer to see
out my window sill.
To see all the heart filled tears that meant so much.
And if only they were painted pictures on the
walls, so cold to the touch just like you.




© K

October 1, 2008

I need room to breath, and when there's no air to gasp for.
It's hard not to crack, so I sit up at night in my so silent room staring at the ceiling.
Waiting to breath.



© K

Realizations

So I've come to realize how pathetic the world we live in is and how we waste our lives and our time on little things like writing these blogs or arguing with teachers or texting every minute of every hour or trying to "dress to impress" at school every morning and doing all these little things before we go to sleep. It's amazing how much we do in a day yet complain how there's still so much we have to do. How many hours we spend procrastinating. How long we glue our eyes to the tv or at our ceiling. Little things to think about.

Typing up poems tomorrow :]



© K

Finding a New Connection

So as a result of a fucked up, twisted relationship.
It's over, it sucked.
I'm over it.

This school year, is going to be a new start. Sort to speak.
I'm learning that shit happens for a reason, and within time.
You'll get what you need.

So I'm being patient.
I'm meeting new people and actually caring.
Other people, for once in my life actually matter to me.
What they say and think affects me.

My words are speaking louder than my violent actions.
I'm starting to shine light on people about who and how I really am.
It's a nice feeling to know, and my dance class has really showed me how to express myself better through my actions.
As time is slowly passing by, I'm seeing why so many people try to live in the moment and not get caught up in all the drama and dilemmas.

But as I ponder over such things, I wonder why those who do get sucked in allow it.
How they feel and think.

How those who read my blogs think of me and what I'm writing.
How by meeting one new person, can alter a life.
By so much, yet it's one new thing.

I'm in my web design class, sitting next to one of my best friends.
We're discussing a film project we want to do, based off something that happened last year.
How what we think is such a great idea could be seen as something so bad to restate.

I think back to everything that happened last year and all these different events that were at the time so life changing, and meant everything to me and her.
Something so big and important, yet in actuality so minuscule and dullest terms.
Lame.




© K