Friday, November 26, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
peanut butter.
it kills me a little more each time i hear your name or see your face and realize how easy it was for you to let go of everything there was.
it pains me to know it's all because of her.
and it makes me feel dead inside.
i came to realize, i don't understand why i was so happy with you.
but i was happy, happy as i've ever been.
and you took it all away.
it pains me to know it's all because of her.
and it makes me feel dead inside.
i came to realize, i don't understand why i was so happy with you.
but i was happy, happy as i've ever been.
and you took it all away.
Monday, November 8, 2010
the letters,
"...I want you to know that you'll always have a place in my heart and I want you to know that is you have to only look out for yourself to stay sane then fuck it...you do you...I'm not suppose to love you I'm not suppose to care I'm not suppose to live my life wishing you were there I'm not suppose to wonder where you are or what you do...I'm sorry I cant help myself I'm in love with you..."
"...The fact that I am the luckiest guy alive to look at such a face as yours with such a gorgeous smile that takes away my breath, and the fact that you're easy to compliment because you're just plain flawless. Pure beauty babe..."
"...I love you because you're you. You're independent, your heart is swollen with love and I wish I could show you how beautiful your personality is. I miss you so much..."
"...I like the way you make me laugh. I like how you look when you hear something stupid. I love the way your hair got in your face and then when you smiled, it was pure icing. I love your personality and the way you act is priceless. I loved it when you bit my lip, drives me up a wall. I like that I can make you feel good on a bad day and I love that I feel that I can do nothing all day but look at your face and be perfectly okay with not doing anything else. I love the affection that you have and give and on a less mature note, you turn me on like a light..."
"...The fact that I am the luckiest guy alive to look at such a face as yours with such a gorgeous smile that takes away my breath, and the fact that you're easy to compliment because you're just plain flawless. Pure beauty babe..."
"...I love you because you're you. You're independent, your heart is swollen with love and I wish I could show you how beautiful your personality is. I miss you so much..."
"...I like the way you make me laugh. I like how you look when you hear something stupid. I love the way your hair got in your face and then when you smiled, it was pure icing. I love your personality and the way you act is priceless. I loved it when you bit my lip, drives me up a wall. I like that I can make you feel good on a bad day and I love that I feel that I can do nothing all day but look at your face and be perfectly okay with not doing anything else. I love the affection that you have and give and on a less mature note, you turn me on like a light..."
once more.
I woke up at 5AM, to get all nice and sparkly was for him.
I knew I was seeing him in just hours.
He was so close I was almost twitching.
There he saw walking towards me.
I could feel the adrenaline rush through.
The earger urge to just run and jump on him surely crossed my mind.
I couldn't help but kiss him right then and there.
We walked to a little corner hidden by walls.
Talking...listening to his voice as it rang in my head.
Putting our phones on the floor next to my feet, and I looked at him.
I leaned in for it and kissed him, again and again.
I couldn't stop this time, I didn't want to. I didn't want it to end.
Seconds away from grabbing his face, straddling him and staying in that way forever.
But of course Jerry drove by and gave me a look.
He walked away like I hoped he wouldn't...I looked back and there he went.
I never knew I could care about a person so much, till I saw you with her.
The pain that struck me right then was indescribable, I was stuck being still.
I couldn't move, and then I thought I lost you...I'm losing you regardless of what I'd like.
I love you though. Always.
I knew I was seeing him in just hours.
He was so close I was almost twitching.
There he saw walking towards me.
I could feel the adrenaline rush through.
The earger urge to just run and jump on him surely crossed my mind.
I couldn't help but kiss him right then and there.
We walked to a little corner hidden by walls.
Talking...listening to his voice as it rang in my head.
Putting our phones on the floor next to my feet, and I looked at him.
I leaned in for it and kissed him, again and again.
I couldn't stop this time, I didn't want to. I didn't want it to end.
Seconds away from grabbing his face, straddling him and staying in that way forever.
But of course Jerry drove by and gave me a look.
He walked away like I hoped he wouldn't...I looked back and there he went.
I never knew I could care about a person so much, till I saw you with her.
The pain that struck me right then was indescribable, I was stuck being still.
I couldn't move, and then I thought I lost you...I'm losing you regardless of what I'd like.
I love you though. Always.
reassurance.
I pulled his lip, gently at first.
As he pushed into me more and more, the bites got harder.
Propped on an arm, leaning into me.
Arm around me, pulling my hair at the faintest touch, holding my neck, holding my back, caressing my legs from ankle to thigh, circling my stomach, brushing my ribs.
Pressing on my stomach, slowly moving his hand down under my shorts.
I wanted him to, but I stopped him.
I wish I didn't, but I knew that was going too far.
I knew it would hurt me in the end, I knew caring would tear me apart when push came to shove.
I wanted him to mark me. Mark me as him, where only I could see.
Something to remember him, that dawn, that very moment.
Something more than just a stain on my lips and his scent on my clothes, or in my hair.
I wanted something to last me a life time.
I swore to him that no one would ever know.
No matter if it happened again, or if I ever hated him.
It'd be our secret, forever.
*You asked me if I was okay with this.
I'm far from okay, but I accept it. Because I have no other choice but to accept it.
You aren't mine for the taking, not like it's stopped me before.
But I think you would chose her anyway..
As he pushed into me more and more, the bites got harder.
Propped on an arm, leaning into me.
Arm around me, pulling my hair at the faintest touch, holding my neck, holding my back, caressing my legs from ankle to thigh, circling my stomach, brushing my ribs.
Pressing on my stomach, slowly moving his hand down under my shorts.
I wanted him to, but I stopped him.
I wish I didn't, but I knew that was going too far.
I knew it would hurt me in the end, I knew caring would tear me apart when push came to shove.
I wanted him to mark me. Mark me as him, where only I could see.
Something to remember him, that dawn, that very moment.
Something more than just a stain on my lips and his scent on my clothes, or in my hair.
I wanted something to last me a life time.
I swore to him that no one would ever know.
No matter if it happened again, or if I ever hated him.
It'd be our secret, forever.
*You asked me if I was okay with this.
I'm far from okay, but I accept it. Because I have no other choice but to accept it.
You aren't mine for the taking, not like it's stopped me before.
But I think you would chose her anyway..
Sunday, November 7, 2010
unfair.
Sitting on his lap, trying to get him to come dance with me.
Shoes kicked to the side somewhere near us on the floor.
Dress rising up from the friction against his jeans.
Beer in hand, getting lighter and lighter.
Hand in his hair, head on his shoulder, hand sliding to my hips, to my waist, to my legs.
Lowering ourselves to the floor, my legs right next to his, my hips above, circling over his.
Perfectly in sync, moving smoothly together with a slight sex appeal.
Back to the chair, moving in slowly, taking my time to make my move.
Till I find out, he's not mine to take.
If he didn't matter, neither would she. I care far to much to ruin something like that.
But none of it mattered after the party.
We laid in the dark on the bed with Angel laying next to us, half awake. Zoning in and out.
They knew about Chris, we were making fun of him after I told them everything that happened.
We laid there whispering, looking at each other. So deep.
Rolling back and forth, like it was a wrestling game. Playfully biting, whoever bit the other got a point. ( I still say I won :] )
He pulled me in closer, and closer with each roll.
He tried to bite me, i licked his nose.
He buried his face in the blanket we had our heads on and laughed.
He pulled me in so close our faces we millimeters apart, so close that our lips grazed.
It took everything in me not to graze back and kiss him right then, just like that.
And again, he tried to bite me.
He knew how I played, that didn't stop him. I could feel it, he wanted it just as bad as I did.
I told him I'd play dirty, that I didn't care. He wanted me to show him.
I licked his lips, on so delicately. He leaned in that last millimeter and our lips touched.
Pressing into each other, body against body. Completely, against each other.
Criminally intertwined.
I could feel the edges of our lips curl into smiles.
Stupidly, I pushed back looking at him stunned. I know he knew why, there was no question in our minds other than "what the fuck, just happened?"
I kissed him again anyway, I couldn't stop myself it was like my body just pushed my mind out of the way and listened to my heart.
Like I needed to feel him. Just kissing him, our lips only pressed together.
My whole body was electrified. Every molecule of me was alive and feeling this kiss.
Everything I'd been craving for so long, I felt it.
Stopped again, he didn't want to stop. We knew what we were doing was wrong.
But no one is dumb enough to stop a crime of passion.
We wanted this. He wanted this.
He cared about me, he wanted me to feel everything he saw in me.
Despite the consequence.
I don't know if it was for me or him, to be constantly reassured if I was okay.
I couldn't tell if he was secretly asking himself, didn't matter.
We didn't stop, we couldn't stop.
So engrossed in how amazing it felt to know what we wanted so bad for as long as we've wanted it.
My heart squeezed, like a rope of emotions were tied around it. Wrapping tighter and tighter with every touch of our lips, our hands.
The look in his eyes sending shivers across my body as his hands flew all over my body, from my legs to my stomach, and my face.
How we laid there in dead silence, how he held my hand, how he looked at me.
How I felt so much love, more love than I have in my life.
So much love.
Shoes kicked to the side somewhere near us on the floor.
Dress rising up from the friction against his jeans.
Beer in hand, getting lighter and lighter.
Hand in his hair, head on his shoulder, hand sliding to my hips, to my waist, to my legs.
Lowering ourselves to the floor, my legs right next to his, my hips above, circling over his.
Perfectly in sync, moving smoothly together with a slight sex appeal.
Back to the chair, moving in slowly, taking my time to make my move.
Till I find out, he's not mine to take.
If he didn't matter, neither would she. I care far to much to ruin something like that.
But none of it mattered after the party.
We laid in the dark on the bed with Angel laying next to us, half awake. Zoning in and out.
They knew about Chris, we were making fun of him after I told them everything that happened.
We laid there whispering, looking at each other. So deep.
Rolling back and forth, like it was a wrestling game. Playfully biting, whoever bit the other got a point. ( I still say I won :] )
He pulled me in closer, and closer with each roll.
He tried to bite me, i licked his nose.
He buried his face in the blanket we had our heads on and laughed.
He pulled me in so close our faces we millimeters apart, so close that our lips grazed.
It took everything in me not to graze back and kiss him right then, just like that.
And again, he tried to bite me.
He knew how I played, that didn't stop him. I could feel it, he wanted it just as bad as I did.
I told him I'd play dirty, that I didn't care. He wanted me to show him.
I licked his lips, on so delicately. He leaned in that last millimeter and our lips touched.
Pressing into each other, body against body. Completely, against each other.
Criminally intertwined.
I could feel the edges of our lips curl into smiles.
Stupidly, I pushed back looking at him stunned. I know he knew why, there was no question in our minds other than "what the fuck, just happened?"
I kissed him again anyway, I couldn't stop myself it was like my body just pushed my mind out of the way and listened to my heart.
Like I needed to feel him. Just kissing him, our lips only pressed together.
My whole body was electrified. Every molecule of me was alive and feeling this kiss.
Everything I'd been craving for so long, I felt it.
Stopped again, he didn't want to stop. We knew what we were doing was wrong.
But no one is dumb enough to stop a crime of passion.
We wanted this. He wanted this.
He cared about me, he wanted me to feel everything he saw in me.
Despite the consequence.
I don't know if it was for me or him, to be constantly reassured if I was okay.
I couldn't tell if he was secretly asking himself, didn't matter.
We didn't stop, we couldn't stop.
So engrossed in how amazing it felt to know what we wanted so bad for as long as we've wanted it.
My heart squeezed, like a rope of emotions were tied around it. Wrapping tighter and tighter with every touch of our lips, our hands.
The look in his eyes sending shivers across my body as his hands flew all over my body, from my legs to my stomach, and my face.
How we laid there in dead silence, how he held my hand, how he looked at me.
How I felt so much love, more love than I have in my life.
So much love.
the greatest.
October 18, 2010 - Monday.
It's Fall Formal.
I went to the valley with Loren, got him shoes and socks.
Went back to his place and laid on the bed for roughly an hour.
He drove me to my family, I stayed and hung out for hours.
I went to the dance party, went back and picked up my mom's stuff.
Waited for James, Chris, and Brandon to get me to take me to the after party.
I was already so tired and I could only imagine how the boys felt.
We got to the party, I said hi to all the friends I missed so much and it started.
7 beers, 2 shots, 2 hits, and a cigarette later. (At least the ones I remember consuming.)
After kissing Jacob, and Claire. After failing at helping Brandon and one of "Ito's" friends win at beer pong.
After dancing with Brandon...it all went so fast.
I can't tell if it was the alcohol or the fact that I've been dying to kiss him for over a year.
I was so attached, since I got in the car.
It's Fall Formal.
I went to the valley with Loren, got him shoes and socks.
Went back to his place and laid on the bed for roughly an hour.
He drove me to my family, I stayed and hung out for hours.
I went to the dance party, went back and picked up my mom's stuff.
Waited for James, Chris, and Brandon to get me to take me to the after party.
I was already so tired and I could only imagine how the boys felt.
We got to the party, I said hi to all the friends I missed so much and it started.
7 beers, 2 shots, 2 hits, and a cigarette later. (At least the ones I remember consuming.)
After kissing Jacob, and Claire. After failing at helping Brandon and one of "Ito's" friends win at beer pong.
After dancing with Brandon...it all went so fast.
I can't tell if it was the alcohol or the fact that I've been dying to kiss him for over a year.
I was so attached, since I got in the car.
g. c
i want you do hug me from behind, unexpectedly.
i want you to give me your hoodie when i'm cold.
i want you to hold me and keep me warm.
i want you to cuddle with me and watch movies.
i want you to hold my hands and play with my fingers.
i want you to play with my hair.
i want you to take amazing photos with me.
i want you to come to my house and meet my family.
i want you to lay in bed with me and just hold me.
i want you to watch the sunrise and sunset with me.
i want you to give me piggy back rises.
i want you to kiss my forehead.
i want you to sing my favorite song to me.
i want you to wipe my tears away.
i want you to always remind me that you really love me.
i want you to tell me you miss me.
i want you to tell me everything and hug me tight.
i want you to take me on a picnic.
i want you to smile every single time you see me.
i want you to know how much i love you.
i just, want you all the time.
i want you to give me your hoodie when i'm cold.
i want you to hold me and keep me warm.
i want you to cuddle with me and watch movies.
i want you to hold my hands and play with my fingers.
i want you to play with my hair.
i want you to take amazing photos with me.
i want you to come to my house and meet my family.
i want you to lay in bed with me and just hold me.
i want you to watch the sunrise and sunset with me.
i want you to give me piggy back rises.
i want you to kiss my forehead.
i want you to sing my favorite song to me.
i want you to wipe my tears away.
i want you to always remind me that you really love me.
i want you to tell me you miss me.
i want you to tell me everything and hug me tight.
i want you to take me on a picnic.
i want you to smile every single time you see me.
i want you to know how much i love you.
i just, want you all the time.
adi.
Every time i see a squirrel, i think of him. Every time i hear Breaking Ben, i think of him. Every time he hears Kings of Leon, he thinks of me. He's my peach, i'm his kiwi.
He threw my phone in the trash once, i showed him a picture of a dead squirrel and i thought he was going to kill me.
We use to have these poke wars, and tickle fights. Always at it, it's like a tag game. I use to go out of my way to be near him, or talk to him. Beg him to help me with a math problem or, let him tease me on our english paper topics.
Whatever it took to get close to him..
Per usual, i'm digging my heart a hole even deeper than it's already in. But who cares, maybe it'll pay off one day.
Naturally for me, days, weeks, and months have passed and yet the single image of his name on my screen sends me right back to where I started. Hell bend, on hopelessly wondering "what if?"
Constantly seeing him after class walking down the halls with "the better choice" [Even in my eyes, at times.] Wishing it was me, but getting over the jealousy factor quickly. Feelings never really mattered before, in the sense of attachment. Going on our 4th year of "fake hate," [still never gets old] that never ending game between us. People around us taking us seriously when we know deep down we mean absolutely nothing by it. It's a joke, it's a game. It's all apart of our super nauseating-grossness. We're just so cute no one can stand us, not that anyone would ever know or suspect "us."
Not that "us" could or would happen at this point in time, at least to my knowledge. Then again, Mr. Peach Twitcher always has something up his selves. Even just minutes ago, he gave me such a shocking reply. Send my cheeks ablaze to where you might have been able to see a color aside from mocha. [Gosh he's so damn pale too, boy needs to see some sunlight.]
He never has failed to make me smile even on my worst days, and even when he's being a colossal butt-head.
It's not surprising, but yet still makes me turn my head in awe, after all this time he still cares enough to spend his day talking to me. I can hear his voice and the sarcastic, bored tone through each and every letter.
I care. Odd as it may be i do.
It's hard not to with him. How his smile lights up everything around him, and how his eyes twinkle when he thinks he out smarted you or he's winning, how his hair hangs over his eyes, his lips get all pouty looking when he's tired, how he buries his head under his own arms when he stops listening or how he just looks at you with that blank stare because he's trying not to laugh at something utterly stupid that you just said or did. He's sweet enough to stay up till 3AM and talk to me as if it's an automatic daily routine.
Nothing seems to have changed between us, other than the fact that it wont happen.
Still mushy as can be, still completely sickening, still cute as ever, still a totally sweetheart that i allowed to get away.
<3
He threw my phone in the trash once, i showed him a picture of a dead squirrel and i thought he was going to kill me.
We use to have these poke wars, and tickle fights. Always at it, it's like a tag game. I use to go out of my way to be near him, or talk to him. Beg him to help me with a math problem or, let him tease me on our english paper topics.
Whatever it took to get close to him..
Per usual, i'm digging my heart a hole even deeper than it's already in. But who cares, maybe it'll pay off one day.
Naturally for me, days, weeks, and months have passed and yet the single image of his name on my screen sends me right back to where I started. Hell bend, on hopelessly wondering "what if?"
Constantly seeing him after class walking down the halls with "the better choice" [Even in my eyes, at times.] Wishing it was me, but getting over the jealousy factor quickly. Feelings never really mattered before, in the sense of attachment. Going on our 4th year of "fake hate," [still never gets old] that never ending game between us. People around us taking us seriously when we know deep down we mean absolutely nothing by it. It's a joke, it's a game. It's all apart of our super nauseating-grossness. We're just so cute no one can stand us, not that anyone would ever know or suspect "us."
Not that "us" could or would happen at this point in time, at least to my knowledge. Then again, Mr. Peach Twitcher always has something up his selves. Even just minutes ago, he gave me such a shocking reply. Send my cheeks ablaze to where you might have been able to see a color aside from mocha. [Gosh he's so damn pale too, boy needs to see some sunlight.]
He never has failed to make me smile even on my worst days, and even when he's being a colossal butt-head.
It's not surprising, but yet still makes me turn my head in awe, after all this time he still cares enough to spend his day talking to me. I can hear his voice and the sarcastic, bored tone through each and every letter.
I care. Odd as it may be i do.
It's hard not to with him. How his smile lights up everything around him, and how his eyes twinkle when he thinks he out smarted you or he's winning, how his hair hangs over his eyes, his lips get all pouty looking when he's tired, how he buries his head under his own arms when he stops listening or how he just looks at you with that blank stare because he's trying not to laugh at something utterly stupid that you just said or did. He's sweet enough to stay up till 3AM and talk to me as if it's an automatic daily routine.
Nothing seems to have changed between us, other than the fact that it wont happen.
Still mushy as can be, still completely sickening, still cute as ever, still a totally sweetheart that i allowed to get away.
<3
thank you.
just as i thought my life was spirling down.
when i had lost all hope at regaining strength, at becoming whole.
when no one thought i'd ever recover from another heart break.
i stopped turning around to look back at the sky.
looking straight ahead, and i found my savior.
with just a glace my body rushed with heat, and a just smile sent me shivers.
i've found my saving grace.
when i had lost all hope at regaining strength, at becoming whole.
when no one thought i'd ever recover from another heart break.
i stopped turning around to look back at the sky.
looking straight ahead, and i found my savior.
with just a glace my body rushed with heat, and a just smile sent me shivers.
i've found my saving grace.
enjoy.
day by day, without intention.
he gets closer and closer to my heart.
inch by inch, he moves deeper and deeper.
and everyday, i'm horribly reminded.
he isn't mine.
someone told me that to a girl, high school love
is all about making him yours, not hers.
and for a long time i agreed.
i came to realize, love--high school or not--
was about making them feel loved and appreciated,
cared for and happy.
you seem happy.
and for as long as you are happy, so will i.
even if it's her you pick every time.
he gets closer and closer to my heart.
inch by inch, he moves deeper and deeper.
and everyday, i'm horribly reminded.
he isn't mine.
someone told me that to a girl, high school love
is all about making him yours, not hers.
and for a long time i agreed.
i came to realize, love--high school or not--
was about making them feel loved and appreciated,
cared for and happy.
you seem happy.
and for as long as you are happy, so will i.
even if it's her you pick every time.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
it happened.
May 18, 2019
Dear Sheila,
I've never felt so sure that my heart was breaking.
I'm not deserving that is known, yet I crave your love and affection.
I cannot say these words that fill my mind and soul.
Not by choice, I wish it was as easy for me to speak my heart's desire as it is for me to write them down.
I show what I pretend to feel, because I can't find a way to honestly convey.
Only time has shown me my digression.
Nothing more than the painful truths of myself.
I know, I accept, and I have embraced it on countless occasions.
I am; a liar, a manipulator, conniving, back-stabbing, malicious, bitch.
...and the worst part about it, I'm good at it.
I don't know how to change back to who I was.
I've lost everyone who had faith in me, though my own doing.
There is no one else to blame and I know that.
I can't say I'm sorry because I know you wont believe it.
It honestly doesn't matter what I say, you'll never believe me because of who I am.
Regardless of it all, I have no self pity or a want of sympathy.
I want an understanding.
I want to have an open honest discussion with no disbelief of bias views.
I know it seems useless to try so hard for someone who doesn't matter.
Someone you do nothing, but try to guide but shun at the same time.
At the bear minimum I believe I owe you as much as an honest valid explanation.
You shouldn't have to be burdened with someone you feel forced to love and gladly hate.
So let me remind you, I know I am rude, disobedient, a handful, a pathological liar, manipulator, disrespectful.
But I am damn fucking loyal, mother.
I am sincere and passionate.
I do care, no matter what you say or think, and yes. I called you a BITCH.
I say you're mean, and in my fucked up brain. You're abusive, beyond belief.
You are a mental mind-fuck, and a sadistic asshole.
You are just as much of an emotional roller coaster as I am.
No one can tell me I don't have a hard life, surely I'm spoiled as all hell, but I'm convinced it's a way to buy me.
Buy my respect, my love, my trust, a relationship between us and a way to keep me from being a hassle.
You say I was planned and wanted, but were you really ready to have me? Were you ready to keep me?
Mother, I love you with all the love that can possibly be held in this body.
But you drive me absolutely insane.
I know it's a mutual feeling, and oh does it show.
Dear Sheila,
I've never felt so sure that my heart was breaking.
I'm not deserving that is known, yet I crave your love and affection.
I cannot say these words that fill my mind and soul.
Not by choice, I wish it was as easy for me to speak my heart's desire as it is for me to write them down.
I show what I pretend to feel, because I can't find a way to honestly convey.
Only time has shown me my digression.
Nothing more than the painful truths of myself.
I know, I accept, and I have embraced it on countless occasions.
I am; a liar, a manipulator, conniving, back-stabbing, malicious, bitch.
...and the worst part about it, I'm good at it.
I don't know how to change back to who I was.
I've lost everyone who had faith in me, though my own doing.
There is no one else to blame and I know that.
I can't say I'm sorry because I know you wont believe it.
It honestly doesn't matter what I say, you'll never believe me because of who I am.
Regardless of it all, I have no self pity or a want of sympathy.
I want an understanding.
I want to have an open honest discussion with no disbelief of bias views.
I know it seems useless to try so hard for someone who doesn't matter.
Someone you do nothing, but try to guide but shun at the same time.
At the bear minimum I believe I owe you as much as an honest valid explanation.
You shouldn't have to be burdened with someone you feel forced to love and gladly hate.
So let me remind you, I know I am rude, disobedient, a handful, a pathological liar, manipulator, disrespectful.
But I am damn fucking loyal, mother.
I am sincere and passionate.
I do care, no matter what you say or think, and yes. I called you a BITCH.
I say you're mean, and in my fucked up brain. You're abusive, beyond belief.
You are a mental mind-fuck, and a sadistic asshole.
You are just as much of an emotional roller coaster as I am.
No one can tell me I don't have a hard life, surely I'm spoiled as all hell, but I'm convinced it's a way to buy me.
Buy my respect, my love, my trust, a relationship between us and a way to keep me from being a hassle.
You say I was planned and wanted, but were you really ready to have me? Were you ready to keep me?
Mother, I love you with all the love that can possibly be held in this body.
But you drive me absolutely insane.
I know it's a mutual feeling, and oh does it show.
september 23
you rush too fast.
and you push too hard.
keep in mind i understand.
but it seems to me, you have some trouble seeing.
there are many things yet to come.
but you insist on continuing.
you aren't one who lives in the moment, but one who lives for the future.
you're one whom refuses to allow what you do to affect you.
nothing else ever matters, unless it's about you.
right?
and you push too hard.
keep in mind i understand.
but it seems to me, you have some trouble seeing.
there are many things yet to come.
but you insist on continuing.
you aren't one who lives in the moment, but one who lives for the future.
you're one whom refuses to allow what you do to affect you.
nothing else ever matters, unless it's about you.
right?
red smiles
-Sorry Butters, taking a break from the love interest.-
so small and helpless in a room so large.
so stuck in these decrepit places.
so trapped within these walls.
just waiting and waiting to break free from that boxed in pressure.
nothing you add will make it any worse.
i can't crack any further.
so small and helpless in a room so large.
so stuck in these decrepit places.
so trapped within these walls.
just waiting and waiting to break free from that boxed in pressure.
nothing you add will make it any worse.
i can't crack any further.
hookups.
I just started at a new school, this week.
I have no one, I sit alone, I eat alone, I don't talk to anyone.
Two days being there, no one has even spoken to me.
I go home and kids from the school have started adding me on myspace.
Go figure.
Andy;
-was the first person to talk to me. It was kind of weird, just slightly awkward.
Short, big ears, adoring eyes and a huge smile that never left his face.
I secretly fell for him.
I knew he liked me, but I felt it alone.
He became on of my best friends, I talked to him all the time.
We kissed in the 9th grade, and it was the funniest thing in the world to me.
My best friend Hazel told my mom, she got on my AIM and told him that if he ever kissed me again she'd break both of his legs.
Didn't stop him, but every time he saw my mom he ran the other way.
I was almost in love with the idea of us. But again, I left it alone.
He got a girlfriend, who was a close friend at the time as well.
She actually asked for my blessing to date him, because she knew about is.
We always flirt, and get handsy with each other but nothing ever comes out of it.
He's one of those, all talk type of guys.
Love him dearly nonetheless.
Michael;
-yet another girl I hated back in middle school, became really close to me later on in the years. I could never be sure if he was hitting on me to be honest. He was best friends with my best friend Anthony. And he had always warned me to stay away from him. Naturally I can only hide my curiosity for so long. We talked a lot, about life and school and other personal things. But of course, sex because a topic as discussion too. I flashed him once at school and ever since then we'd always fool around in class when ever the opportunity arose. Touching, grabbing, holding, playing. And then I left, and then he wanted me even more. He'd tell me how much he missed me and how he wanted me so bad. And that's when I let him kiss me. In the hall, when no one was around. Up against the wall, retouching what we left in class.
"ITO" ;
-I met him the summer going into 9th grade and I fell hard on my ass. I was obsessed, trying to talk to him as much as possible, had a bunch of classes with him, tried to always sit next to him and make a point for him to see me. I finally got him after all that work, years later. And it all happened because i helped him pass the first semester of 11th grade, gave him a nice sum of bud, made him go to a football game and the haunted house. That's where it happened. In the corn maze. Walking behind everyone, holding my hand. He grabbed my chin and turned my head and kissed me and we were still walking, falling over almost into the corn where people were hiding to jump out and scare us. It was the biggest accomplishment of my year, boy wise.
How he held my face so gently, how our hands stayed intertwined during the whole night. It's funny. Otto watched me the whole night, stood behind me and watched. In the haunted house Christian walked behind me seeing if I'd get scared and he had his hands on my waist and I could see Michael and "Ito" looking at them with such jealousy they almost glowed green.
As I was leaving, he grabbed me. Pulled me to him and hugged me, lifted my chin again ad kissed me yet again. We stood there for the second time in 10 minutes making out while a group of people watched us.
Jan;
-2 years older than me and I was a sucker. He took me to his house, to watch a movie I never saw. Met his mom, had a smoke, went to his room, got the movie started, off went the lights, and on the bed we were. I laid away, shaky and unsure. He pulled me over to lay right next to him and started tickling me till I rolled onto him and he kissed me and sucked me into him. Trying to wiggle my pants off as I pushed away, he ripped my shirt off and pulled my hair, bit my lips, and clawed at my back. Rolling around like this for what seemed like hours and thank god my phone rang. He stopped, went out for a smoke and I got ready to leave. And that's how we ended.
Tim;
-in some odd twisted way we "dated" but in reality we were just THERE for each other and we sucked face with one another everyday. That's basically it.
Chris;
-as a favor to James, I made a move on Chris.
He's a really sweet kid, no doubt about it. But as lame as you can get when it comes to girls. He's cute don't get me wrong. Kid is just shy as hell. It took me a while. I barely pecked him on his birthday and he just about fell over. Fall Formal night, drunk off our ass at 4AM sitting outside after I changed in front of him. I practically made him kiss me and as the seconds passed he loosened up and then it ended. It was like making out with Adam, again I was an ice cream cone. Majorly gross.
I have no one, I sit alone, I eat alone, I don't talk to anyone.
Two days being there, no one has even spoken to me.
I go home and kids from the school have started adding me on myspace.
Go figure.
Andy;
-was the first person to talk to me. It was kind of weird, just slightly awkward.
Short, big ears, adoring eyes and a huge smile that never left his face.
I secretly fell for him.
I knew he liked me, but I felt it alone.
He became on of my best friends, I talked to him all the time.
We kissed in the 9th grade, and it was the funniest thing in the world to me.
My best friend Hazel told my mom, she got on my AIM and told him that if he ever kissed me again she'd break both of his legs.
Didn't stop him, but every time he saw my mom he ran the other way.
I was almost in love with the idea of us. But again, I left it alone.
He got a girlfriend, who was a close friend at the time as well.
She actually asked for my blessing to date him, because she knew about is.
We always flirt, and get handsy with each other but nothing ever comes out of it.
He's one of those, all talk type of guys.
Love him dearly nonetheless.
Michael;
-yet another girl I hated back in middle school, became really close to me later on in the years. I could never be sure if he was hitting on me to be honest. He was best friends with my best friend Anthony. And he had always warned me to stay away from him. Naturally I can only hide my curiosity for so long. We talked a lot, about life and school and other personal things. But of course, sex because a topic as discussion too. I flashed him once at school and ever since then we'd always fool around in class when ever the opportunity arose. Touching, grabbing, holding, playing. And then I left, and then he wanted me even more. He'd tell me how much he missed me and how he wanted me so bad. And that's when I let him kiss me. In the hall, when no one was around. Up against the wall, retouching what we left in class.
"ITO" ;
-I met him the summer going into 9th grade and I fell hard on my ass. I was obsessed, trying to talk to him as much as possible, had a bunch of classes with him, tried to always sit next to him and make a point for him to see me. I finally got him after all that work, years later. And it all happened because i helped him pass the first semester of 11th grade, gave him a nice sum of bud, made him go to a football game and the haunted house. That's where it happened. In the corn maze. Walking behind everyone, holding my hand. He grabbed my chin and turned my head and kissed me and we were still walking, falling over almost into the corn where people were hiding to jump out and scare us. It was the biggest accomplishment of my year, boy wise.
How he held my face so gently, how our hands stayed intertwined during the whole night. It's funny. Otto watched me the whole night, stood behind me and watched. In the haunted house Christian walked behind me seeing if I'd get scared and he had his hands on my waist and I could see Michael and "Ito" looking at them with such jealousy they almost glowed green.
As I was leaving, he grabbed me. Pulled me to him and hugged me, lifted my chin again ad kissed me yet again. We stood there for the second time in 10 minutes making out while a group of people watched us.
Jan;
-2 years older than me and I was a sucker. He took me to his house, to watch a movie I never saw. Met his mom, had a smoke, went to his room, got the movie started, off went the lights, and on the bed we were. I laid away, shaky and unsure. He pulled me over to lay right next to him and started tickling me till I rolled onto him and he kissed me and sucked me into him. Trying to wiggle my pants off as I pushed away, he ripped my shirt off and pulled my hair, bit my lips, and clawed at my back. Rolling around like this for what seemed like hours and thank god my phone rang. He stopped, went out for a smoke and I got ready to leave. And that's how we ended.
Tim;
-in some odd twisted way we "dated" but in reality we were just THERE for each other and we sucked face with one another everyday. That's basically it.
Chris;
-as a favor to James, I made a move on Chris.
He's a really sweet kid, no doubt about it. But as lame as you can get when it comes to girls. He's cute don't get me wrong. Kid is just shy as hell. It took me a while. I barely pecked him on his birthday and he just about fell over. Fall Formal night, drunk off our ass at 4AM sitting outside after I changed in front of him. I practically made him kiss me and as the seconds passed he loosened up and then it ended. It was like making out with Adam, again I was an ice cream cone. Majorly gross.
Friday, November 5, 2010
back tracking.
March 10, 2009 - Tuesday.
Adam's story.
For so long I've despised him, a boy I couldn't stand since the 8th grade.
But I'm not sure if it all hate during the entire course of time.
We started talking. A lot, constantly over the whole summer.
It was kind of strange, it was so comfortable and easy to talk to him about anything and everything.
And but of course the truth came out eventually. We both liked each other for quite sometime.
There's a shock.
Now mind you, all these conversations were on AIM.
He was in Brazil, and I was home in the US.
Yet we still made a point to stay awake and to talk to each other.
And when he got back, it all crumbled.
Oh did I mention that, Loren and Adam are best friends and that Loren has been infatuated with me since 8th grade?
It only took a year later for Loren to give Adam his "blessing" which then lead to Adam and I being friends again and he asked me out.
Which is then where my enemy became my boyfriend.
About 3 weeks of sucking face behind T building, my birthday rolls around.
And that was our breaking point.
He tried to kiss me in front of my mom at my 16th birthday party and I pulled away.
After that I avoided him, we didn't talk. That was pretty much the end.
A year and change later we're talking again it's like the beginning all over again.
Funny how things work out, but I think I've come to a conclusion. We can only talk while one of us is in a different part of the world.
Adam's story.
For so long I've despised him, a boy I couldn't stand since the 8th grade.
But I'm not sure if it all hate during the entire course of time.
We started talking. A lot, constantly over the whole summer.
It was kind of strange, it was so comfortable and easy to talk to him about anything and everything.
And but of course the truth came out eventually. We both liked each other for quite sometime.
There's a shock.
Now mind you, all these conversations were on AIM.
He was in Brazil, and I was home in the US.
Yet we still made a point to stay awake and to talk to each other.
And when he got back, it all crumbled.
Oh did I mention that, Loren and Adam are best friends and that Loren has been infatuated with me since 8th grade?
It only took a year later for Loren to give Adam his "blessing" which then lead to Adam and I being friends again and he asked me out.
Which is then where my enemy became my boyfriend.
About 3 weeks of sucking face behind T building, my birthday rolls around.
And that was our breaking point.
He tried to kiss me in front of my mom at my 16th birthday party and I pulled away.
After that I avoided him, we didn't talk. That was pretty much the end.
A year and change later we're talking again it's like the beginning all over again.
Funny how things work out, but I think I've come to a conclusion. We can only talk while one of us is in a different part of the world.
love will guide my heart.
October 19, 2009 - Monday.
Your precious lips aren't mine any more and I no longer feel those sweet hugs that left your scent in my my mouth. There's nothing there that wraps around me hold me up oh so strong. My ears are empty of your soft whispers. You've let my heart hit the floor and I know I can't stand alone. I don't know who I am without you. I don't like what we've ended. I'm so lost, I don't know where I began. All I see is what's right in front of me from where I'm stuck standing. No matter which way I turn I can't seem to find my way back to myself. You're deep in my soul and I can't get you out. It's like you're locked inside my head forever apart of me. No matter the countless times I've tried to move on, my heart seems to lead me back to you. I know you wont catch me any more, I know feelings have changed and life is different. I can't persuade myself to find someone else. I gave you my heart, I gave you my all. And I was ready to give you so much more and still after all this time, as months have passed and those months to come. My mind still sees you. My stomach clenches, and I feel dizzy like I'm running on empty and you're my fuel. It hurts so much to still be hooked on you. I've never felt such a pain that torn me apart quite like this. No one has made me cry so many heart filled tears and made me wish I could die. From the lack of heart felt messages and heart breaking words. You broke my spirit, you took my soul. You crushed my heart and left me alone. I'm to the point where I'm slightly obsessed, and mildly distraught. Where even those simple thoughts make me weep in sorrow. I'm so far gone, that not even Gods can hear these screams.
Your precious lips aren't mine any more and I no longer feel those sweet hugs that left your scent in my my mouth. There's nothing there that wraps around me hold me up oh so strong. My ears are empty of your soft whispers. You've let my heart hit the floor and I know I can't stand alone. I don't know who I am without you. I don't like what we've ended. I'm so lost, I don't know where I began. All I see is what's right in front of me from where I'm stuck standing. No matter which way I turn I can't seem to find my way back to myself. You're deep in my soul and I can't get you out. It's like you're locked inside my head forever apart of me. No matter the countless times I've tried to move on, my heart seems to lead me back to you. I know you wont catch me any more, I know feelings have changed and life is different. I can't persuade myself to find someone else. I gave you my heart, I gave you my all. And I was ready to give you so much more and still after all this time, as months have passed and those months to come. My mind still sees you. My stomach clenches, and I feel dizzy like I'm running on empty and you're my fuel. It hurts so much to still be hooked on you. I've never felt such a pain that torn me apart quite like this. No one has made me cry so many heart filled tears and made me wish I could die. From the lack of heart felt messages and heart breaking words. You broke my spirit, you took my soul. You crushed my heart and left me alone. I'm to the point where I'm slightly obsessed, and mildly distraught. Where even those simple thoughts make me weep in sorrow. I'm so far gone, that not even Gods can hear these screams.
my wish.
11: 11 pm. Make a wish!
Repeating it in my head over and over again , until the minute is over.
I knew my wish.
I want to know his.
Waiting and waiting.
I wish, he was walking me to class, and at the end.
Before he turned around to leave.
At the end of our hug, he'd stop and
hold my waist and I'd tip toe up just a few inches.
And smile, looking him right in the
eyes, and he'd kiss me.
And I'd feel so comforted, and he'd hold me just right.
And the world would just melt away.
Nothing else would matter.
Just him.
Just me.
That's my wish...
My minute long wish.
What a nice day dream that is.
It's just a day dream, 11:11pm wish, maybe one day soon it'll become a reality.
Something real, and ever part of that wish would be true.
We'd be lost in our own little world just for that minute.
...my secret wish. That I'll keep wishing, and keep day dreaming about.
Repeating it in my head over and over again , until the minute is over.
I knew my wish.
I want to know his.
Waiting and waiting.
I wish, he was walking me to class, and at the end.
Before he turned around to leave.
At the end of our hug, he'd stop and
hold my waist and I'd tip toe up just a few inches.
And smile, looking him right in the
eyes, and he'd kiss me.
And I'd feel so comforted, and he'd hold me just right.
And the world would just melt away.
Nothing else would matter.
Just him.
Just me.
That's my wish...
My minute long wish.
What a nice day dream that is.
It's just a day dream, 11:11pm wish, maybe one day soon it'll become a reality.
Something real, and ever part of that wish would be true.
We'd be lost in our own little world just for that minute.
...my secret wish. That I'll keep wishing, and keep day dreaming about.
last.
May 25, 2009 - Monday.
Two days in a row.
Luscious. Moist. Soft. Perfect.
After every kiss he leaves me breathless. But at the same time he's my oxygen mask. Each kiss fills me with life. Fills me with heart warming butterflies. Each minuscule touch leaves me craving move. Each look he gives me with those eyes makes me want to fall just so he'll catch me. His hand capturing mine. His eyes peering into my eyes as if to look threw my soul. Out connection, out soundless way of communication. Lost in love-full stares and sincere smiles. Such gentle loving looks.
Two days in a row.
Luscious. Moist. Soft. Perfect.
After every kiss he leaves me breathless. But at the same time he's my oxygen mask. Each kiss fills me with life. Fills me with heart warming butterflies. Each minuscule touch leaves me craving move. Each look he gives me with those eyes makes me want to fall just so he'll catch me. His hand capturing mine. His eyes peering into my eyes as if to look threw my soul. Out connection, out soundless way of communication. Lost in love-full stares and sincere smiles. Such gentle loving looks.
May 21, 2009 - Thursday.
Bright hot day, Rasta sunglasses on. Trailing right behind him. With that glow around him, that I always see when I'm with him. Our usual spot was being taken by the swim team, so we wandered around and found a new "hiding place." We sat on the floor of our new temporary spot, and stared at each other. I leaned in closer and closer and he grabbed my face and kissed me. Kissing him and kissing him, i pulled my hair up and tied it into a messed up bun and he smiled, slightly letting go of my face a little. Nibbling on his lip, watching his face, seeing his eyes open just a tiny bit. He grabbed me even tighter, his hands sliding down from my hair to my low low back. My hands on him, grabbing his shirt, his chest, hands on his shoulders. Pushing him down on the floor, watching his rib, trying so hard not to put so much pressure on him. One hand on the floor supporting me up, the other on his chest looking at his body. He smiles at me, so gentle and subtle. God he's so amazingly perfect. He sits up and pulls me down, so now he's over me. Stroking the hair out of my face and kissing me again and again. Shifting to sitting against the wall, he pulls me over him so I'm once again straddling him. Looking down at him, his golden eyes just glowing. I smile and kiss him again, he squeezes me so tightly it's almost hard to breath. Pushing myself up holding my hands on his neck. Heated and more heated by the second, there against the wall. Every time I bit down on his lower lips, he clenched a little like he was trying to hard not to just devour me. Hands holding me up from my butt, sliding back and forth from there my neck. Grabbing, and holding, and just staying there. We break by the sound of foot steps. I check my phone, only moments before we'll have to start walking out to the front. I can feel every part of his body under me, every shift he made, every inhalation, every smile he made I could feel without even opening my eyes. I do any way, staring into his eyes, "I love you." Each word came out slowly, so calmly, and full of meaning. He pulls me in, and kisses me more passionately then I've ever felt before. "I love you too." Something in his voice made it sound so much more believable than ever before. 2 minutes in counting till we have to go, and within seconds of looking, the alarm goes off. It's time. We stand up, but we don't go any where. I take a step closer and wrap one arm around him, the other interlocking my fingers in his hair. "Can we wait a few more minutes? I don't want to leave." The answer was obvious, because we stood there for another 5 minutes, while he felt every part of my body with his lips. Then we walked, hand in hand. While my shades went back on, I fixed my hair. While he dusted off his back, and basically missed everything. I stopped him, turned him around and kissed him, while I dusted him off without seeing what I was doing either. Walked out to the front, with a good-bye kiss, and that was it.
Bright hot day, Rasta sunglasses on. Trailing right behind him. With that glow around him, that I always see when I'm with him. Our usual spot was being taken by the swim team, so we wandered around and found a new "hiding place." We sat on the floor of our new temporary spot, and stared at each other. I leaned in closer and closer and he grabbed my face and kissed me. Kissing him and kissing him, i pulled my hair up and tied it into a messed up bun and he smiled, slightly letting go of my face a little. Nibbling on his lip, watching his face, seeing his eyes open just a tiny bit. He grabbed me even tighter, his hands sliding down from my hair to my low low back. My hands on him, grabbing his shirt, his chest, hands on his shoulders. Pushing him down on the floor, watching his rib, trying so hard not to put so much pressure on him. One hand on the floor supporting me up, the other on his chest looking at his body. He smiles at me, so gentle and subtle. God he's so amazingly perfect. He sits up and pulls me down, so now he's over me. Stroking the hair out of my face and kissing me again and again. Shifting to sitting against the wall, he pulls me over him so I'm once again straddling him. Looking down at him, his golden eyes just glowing. I smile and kiss him again, he squeezes me so tightly it's almost hard to breath. Pushing myself up holding my hands on his neck. Heated and more heated by the second, there against the wall. Every time I bit down on his lower lips, he clenched a little like he was trying to hard not to just devour me. Hands holding me up from my butt, sliding back and forth from there my neck. Grabbing, and holding, and just staying there. We break by the sound of foot steps. I check my phone, only moments before we'll have to start walking out to the front. I can feel every part of his body under me, every shift he made, every inhalation, every smile he made I could feel without even opening my eyes. I do any way, staring into his eyes, "I love you." Each word came out slowly, so calmly, and full of meaning. He pulls me in, and kisses me more passionately then I've ever felt before. "I love you too." Something in his voice made it sound so much more believable than ever before. 2 minutes in counting till we have to go, and within seconds of looking, the alarm goes off. It's time. We stand up, but we don't go any where. I take a step closer and wrap one arm around him, the other interlocking my fingers in his hair. "Can we wait a few more minutes? I don't want to leave." The answer was obvious, because we stood there for another 5 minutes, while he felt every part of my body with his lips. Then we walked, hand in hand. While my shades went back on, I fixed my hair. While he dusted off his back, and basically missed everything. I stopped him, turned him around and kissed him, while I dusted him off without seeing what I was doing either. Walked out to the front, with a good-bye kiss, and that was it.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
for you.
May 15, 2009 - Friday.
To be honest, I'm completely crazy about you. That sounds totally obsessive but, it's true. I'm always thinking about you, and every time I do, I smile. Every time we're together, my heart beats a little differently. Every time you kiss me, my body's like a bunch of Christmas lights, when there plugged in. I'd never admit this to anyone, but I'm getting more attached to you than anyone, before. I always think so negative, but it's being realistic, and it hurts sometimes. It's hard to think of it all being a fake, or maybe you're the one pretending what I'm feeling. I hate thinking about not having you around, or what if you had said no. And then I think about how much you make me smile, and how much I do smile, when you say "I love you." I hate pretending that I don't have these feelings for you. That they don't exist, or that I always have to hide them from everyone around us. I've never had these type of feelings for anyone, they're so real, so strong. It sounds so stupid to be writing this. I already told you how why I love you as much as I do.
It's always been that nothing else mattered, that I could always be me, and you say you love me for it, always and no matter what. I never have to be perfect in anyway, I could say or do the most retard thing in the world and you'd just sit there and smile at me.You could care less, but at the same time, you care so much. Even if you never showed it, I just knew. You're fun to be with, even when you're in a weird or crappy mood. When I'm with you, and everything is calm and we're just sitting there, I notice how cute you are and all those little faces that you make.
I wanted to tell you, show you, explain some how, just how much I like you, how much I love you. This was the easiest way to show you.
oxox, k.
To be honest, I'm completely crazy about you. That sounds totally obsessive but, it's true. I'm always thinking about you, and every time I do, I smile. Every time we're together, my heart beats a little differently. Every time you kiss me, my body's like a bunch of Christmas lights, when there plugged in. I'd never admit this to anyone, but I'm getting more attached to you than anyone, before. I always think so negative, but it's being realistic, and it hurts sometimes. It's hard to think of it all being a fake, or maybe you're the one pretending what I'm feeling. I hate thinking about not having you around, or what if you had said no. And then I think about how much you make me smile, and how much I do smile, when you say "I love you." I hate pretending that I don't have these feelings for you. That they don't exist, or that I always have to hide them from everyone around us. I've never had these type of feelings for anyone, they're so real, so strong. It sounds so stupid to be writing this. I already told you how why I love you as much as I do.
It's always been that nothing else mattered, that I could always be me, and you say you love me for it, always and no matter what. I never have to be perfect in anyway, I could say or do the most retard thing in the world and you'd just sit there and smile at me.You could care less, but at the same time, you care so much. Even if you never showed it, I just knew. You're fun to be with, even when you're in a weird or crappy mood. When I'm with you, and everything is calm and we're just sitting there, I notice how cute you are and all those little faces that you make.
I wanted to tell you, show you, explain some how, just how much I like you, how much I love you. This was the easiest way to show you.
oxox, k.
history.
May 13, 2009 - Wednesday.
I don't even know where to start off with this section.
Strawberry and music. PE secret moments.
Today's "Oh my" moment, well more like hours.
I don't even know where to start off with this section.
Strawberry and music. PE secret moments.
Today's "Oh my" moment, well more like hours.
sexual.
May 8, 2009 - Friday.
My body went into this, uncontrollable tingling shock. I sat there in class, thinking about it. Then I looked at her as I remembered what he said. I wondered why, he had picked her to begin with, but knew why he left. I sat there and questioned, if that would happen to us as well. I feel like an addict, and he's my crazy addiction I don't want to stop loving. I stare at him, on the brick wall waiting for me. We walk over to our spot in the shade, he just plops down as I slowly sit cross-legged on the wall next to him. Soft-constant pecks. Pulling him closer to me. Hard-constant pecks. The more time passed, the more intense the kisses got. Biting and biting, neck kisses, hair pulling, hands sliding and grabbing. Pulling him by the shirt collar to feel his body on me. Consuming me. My body was so charged I had to get up and move to the steps just inches away from where we were. He leaned over and touched my cheek, and started smiling. Teasing me about how chipmunk-ish they are. I pouted and turned away, he grabbed my face and kissed me again. Pushing my hair out of my face, yet again. His hands on my neck and pushing his thumb over my cheek back and forth. There it was, that spark again. I raised myself to my knee laying my shin flat on the floor, as he was still sitting holding my arms. I shook him off so I was able to wrap my arms around his neck and locked my fingers together and kissed him, and kissed him. Slipping my tongue on his lower lip, which lead him to slide his on my teeth. It felt like we were going on and on for only seconds, but those seconds were minutes, and those minutes were hours. Still on the steps, I pulled him down on top of me. Laying down, he held himself up over me (God I love those fucking strong arms.) I tangled my legs around his, and pulled him even closer to me by biting his lip. He's on me, kissing me, feeling my pulse, grabbing my neck and clutching my hair. I can feel his heart beat on my chest, boom boom boom, boom boom boom. Then we left. Holding hands, and one last amazing kiss before we left, and parted our separate ways.
My body went into this, uncontrollable tingling shock. I sat there in class, thinking about it. Then I looked at her as I remembered what he said. I wondered why, he had picked her to begin with, but knew why he left. I sat there and questioned, if that would happen to us as well. I feel like an addict, and he's my crazy addiction I don't want to stop loving. I stare at him, on the brick wall waiting for me. We walk over to our spot in the shade, he just plops down as I slowly sit cross-legged on the wall next to him. Soft-constant pecks. Pulling him closer to me. Hard-constant pecks. The more time passed, the more intense the kisses got. Biting and biting, neck kisses, hair pulling, hands sliding and grabbing. Pulling him by the shirt collar to feel his body on me. Consuming me. My body was so charged I had to get up and move to the steps just inches away from where we were. He leaned over and touched my cheek, and started smiling. Teasing me about how chipmunk-ish they are. I pouted and turned away, he grabbed my face and kissed me again. Pushing my hair out of my face, yet again. His hands on my neck and pushing his thumb over my cheek back and forth. There it was, that spark again. I raised myself to my knee laying my shin flat on the floor, as he was still sitting holding my arms. I shook him off so I was able to wrap my arms around his neck and locked my fingers together and kissed him, and kissed him. Slipping my tongue on his lower lip, which lead him to slide his on my teeth. It felt like we were going on and on for only seconds, but those seconds were minutes, and those minutes were hours. Still on the steps, I pulled him down on top of me. Laying down, he held himself up over me (God I love those fucking strong arms.) I tangled my legs around his, and pulled him even closer to me by biting his lip. He's on me, kissing me, feeling my pulse, grabbing my neck and clutching my hair. I can feel his heart beat on my chest, boom boom boom, boom boom boom. Then we left. Holding hands, and one last amazing kiss before we left, and parted our separate ways.
butterflies.
May 6, 2009 - Wednesday.
Today was Ann's dad's funeral. I haven't cried hysterically like that since my birthday.
I'm sick again, like always.
Anthony and Daisey are dating again. Big surprise there.
Loren is so broken hearted.
Even when I'm not at school, Alonso give me butterflies. He says the cutest things to me sometimes, makes me smile so much. As lame or odd as it may sound to anyone else, it's amazing to me.
"I don't know why, but you always tend to make me smile."
Today was Ann's dad's funeral. I haven't cried hysterically like that since my birthday.
I'm sick again, like always.
Anthony and Daisey are dating again. Big surprise there.
Loren is so broken hearted.
Even when I'm not at school, Alonso give me butterflies. He says the cutest things to me sometimes, makes me smile so much. As lame or odd as it may sound to anyone else, it's amazing to me.
"I don't know why, but you always tend to make me smile."
forever.
May 4, 2009 - Monday.
The glow on his face as I came walking out towards him, his smile so cute. It gets even bigger as I'm close enough to wrap my arms around his neck as his hands glide down to my waist. I love how gentle he is when he hold me. As if I'm so fragile, like glass. The sun hit us at a perfect angle, making every inch of him glow even more. Something, about him today..just makes me smile even more than usual. I kinda of want to just walk up all over again and kiss him. I almost forgot where we were, surrounded by people. He let go and as I turned to walk away again he ran up behind me and pulls me back to him, in turn wrapping his arms around my waist and my stomach. I lean my head back onto his shoulder and look up at his face. His orange-ish red tinted hair popped out of the brown that surrounded it, especially against the green grass background and the bright light above us. Still on his solid body, interlocked fingers, standing in the middle of the yard, with the wind picking up and the heat getting hotter. I think to myself, oh yeah, we're not obvious at all. The bell rang, and we parted. I turn to look at him one more time, and look at his eyes, they're this golden..amber color that I just can't stop staring at.
I felt so tight, and tease. My shoulders sore. We sat down in the shade against the tall wall. He sat me between his legs and putting pressure on my shoulders and rubbing. I dragged my nails up and down his legs, he twitched a little and laughed. He stopped, so I did too. He pulled me closer to him and I laid against his chest, moving my fingers around his palm, tracing little images and following the little swirls. Then he said, what put another big smile on my face..She's my past, and anyway..you're kind of my future.
The glow on his face as I came walking out towards him, his smile so cute. It gets even bigger as I'm close enough to wrap my arms around his neck as his hands glide down to my waist. I love how gentle he is when he hold me. As if I'm so fragile, like glass. The sun hit us at a perfect angle, making every inch of him glow even more. Something, about him today..just makes me smile even more than usual. I kinda of want to just walk up all over again and kiss him. I almost forgot where we were, surrounded by people. He let go and as I turned to walk away again he ran up behind me and pulls me back to him, in turn wrapping his arms around my waist and my stomach. I lean my head back onto his shoulder and look up at his face. His orange-ish red tinted hair popped out of the brown that surrounded it, especially against the green grass background and the bright light above us. Still on his solid body, interlocked fingers, standing in the middle of the yard, with the wind picking up and the heat getting hotter. I think to myself, oh yeah, we're not obvious at all. The bell rang, and we parted. I turn to look at him one more time, and look at his eyes, they're this golden..amber color that I just can't stop staring at.
I felt so tight, and tease. My shoulders sore. We sat down in the shade against the tall wall. He sat me between his legs and putting pressure on my shoulders and rubbing. I dragged my nails up and down his legs, he twitched a little and laughed. He stopped, so I did too. He pulled me closer to him and I laid against his chest, moving my fingers around his palm, tracing little images and following the little swirls. Then he said, what put another big smile on my face..She's my past, and anyway..you're kind of my future.
alonso.
April 28, 2009 - Tuesday.
We fit so perfectly...We're best friends who love each other. No strings attached, no problems and we're compatible. Physically, emotionally, mentally, it's a beautiful thing.
Tuesday was amazing.
I straddled him, as he held us up with one hand slowly lowering us to the cold cement flood of the quad stage. Surrounded by the hot sun while the breeze cooled us off, stopping him from complaining about the heat. Laying on top of him, my arms around the perimeter of his head, looking at him so lost in pleasure I could feel his lips curl with each kiss forming a smile. Trying to talk all at once, his hands holding my waist just on the right curves of my body as he motioned to tuck away my bangs behind my ears, staring at me so intently. Holding in each breath as I kissed him and he reached his hand on the back of my head to pull my hair and turn my neck over to gently kiss that too. Feeling the hot air of his breath and the softness of his lips made my body tingle. Laying on him would probably be a bad position to get caught in. So I let go and turned on my back next to him as if we just had crazy hot sex and were taking a break. I laid on my back, he waited till the construction guys walked away then intertwined his fingers with mine. Inched closer and closer, pulled my leg out so it laid flat while the one he had his hand on was bent as he ran his hand up and down it. He turned over half on to me, half just on his side. Moving my hair out of my eyes again, just looking at him blocking the sun from hitting my face. His face glows from the background, he runs his fingers over my cheek and pushes his hand down from my neck to it tangled in my hair. Using his other hand to hold my side, I can feel his braces. I feel the air leaving the area between us. I hear footsteps and got up to peek behind the wall. I can feel him next to me, placing his head on my shoulder, wrapping his strong arms around me. I turn and kiss him, he turns me to face him. Slamming me against the wall, continuously kissing me getting more and more aggressive. Slightly picking me up a little, holding tighter and tighter as the kisses got more and more passionate.
He's cute. His laugh, the way his eyes get all small when he smiles or how his lips curl. Who would have thought we'd end up together.
We fit so perfectly...We're best friends who love each other. No strings attached, no problems and we're compatible. Physically, emotionally, mentally, it's a beautiful thing.
Tuesday was amazing.
I straddled him, as he held us up with one hand slowly lowering us to the cold cement flood of the quad stage. Surrounded by the hot sun while the breeze cooled us off, stopping him from complaining about the heat. Laying on top of him, my arms around the perimeter of his head, looking at him so lost in pleasure I could feel his lips curl with each kiss forming a smile. Trying to talk all at once, his hands holding my waist just on the right curves of my body as he motioned to tuck away my bangs behind my ears, staring at me so intently. Holding in each breath as I kissed him and he reached his hand on the back of my head to pull my hair and turn my neck over to gently kiss that too. Feeling the hot air of his breath and the softness of his lips made my body tingle. Laying on him would probably be a bad position to get caught in. So I let go and turned on my back next to him as if we just had crazy hot sex and were taking a break. I laid on my back, he waited till the construction guys walked away then intertwined his fingers with mine. Inched closer and closer, pulled my leg out so it laid flat while the one he had his hand on was bent as he ran his hand up and down it. He turned over half on to me, half just on his side. Moving my hair out of my eyes again, just looking at him blocking the sun from hitting my face. His face glows from the background, he runs his fingers over my cheek and pushes his hand down from my neck to it tangled in my hair. Using his other hand to hold my side, I can feel his braces. I feel the air leaving the area between us. I hear footsteps and got up to peek behind the wall. I can feel him next to me, placing his head on my shoulder, wrapping his strong arms around me. I turn and kiss him, he turns me to face him. Slamming me against the wall, continuously kissing me getting more and more aggressive. Slightly picking me up a little, holding tighter and tighter as the kisses got more and more passionate.
He's cute. His laugh, the way his eyes get all small when he smiles or how his lips curl. Who would have thought we'd end up together.
beginning of tragedy
April 29, 2009 - Wednesday.
I feel so bad, I haven't written in day.
Very long time, so let's refresh.
Birthday party was a blast, birthday sucked.
Miss papa like crazy.
Mom and I had a serious, seriously long talk. It cleared up a lot actually. It was nice. She apologized for everything, and everything that had happened on my birthday.
Loren and I are scarcely talking. Nicole and I are great, Hazel's good, Ann is a dumbass but good, new boy-toy. Anthony and Daisey broke up, Adam and I hate each other. Alonso and I are perfect...
I feel so bad, I haven't written in day.
Very long time, so let's refresh.
Birthday party was a blast, birthday sucked.
Miss papa like crazy.
Mom and I had a serious, seriously long talk. It cleared up a lot actually. It was nice. She apologized for everything, and everything that had happened on my birthday.
Loren and I are scarcely talking. Nicole and I are great, Hazel's good, Ann is a dumbass but good, new boy-toy. Anthony and Daisey broke up, Adam and I hate each other. Alonso and I are perfect...
pillows.
April 9, 2009 - Thursday.
Still at Gina's.
Didn't do much today, just kinda relaxed around the house and ate a lot. I got my gauge all the way in. Made Alonso my new official "Pillow Buddy." Ha. I don't know, maybe he will be. We'll see. He was suppose to come visit while I was in this other hell hole but he's with Martin, oh well I guess. I get him Monday.
Not much to say today, so good night.
Ops!
Sorry I meant, my yong gan be!
Still at Gina's.
Didn't do much today, just kinda relaxed around the house and ate a lot. I got my gauge all the way in. Made Alonso my new official "Pillow Buddy." Ha. I don't know, maybe he will be. We'll see. He was suppose to come visit while I was in this other hell hole but he's with Martin, oh well I guess. I get him Monday.
Not much to say today, so good night.
Ops!
Sorry I meant, my yong gan be!
after mammoth.
April 7, 2009 - Tuesday.
I just got back from Mammoth, it was so fun to go snowboarding again. Saw a couple cuties, flirted a little. Met new people, new battle scars and bruises. Cole and I slept in the same room, it was interesting to say the least.
Got some great pictures.
It was a pretty good trip I'd have to say.
Still at Gina and Jon's. Today was kinda nice, but I have to say I really miss my room and my bed. I feel so strange being with them for so long. But if it were the same general routine everyday, can't be that bad. I mean we got up went to this bakery, went home, did laundry, watched a movie on pay per view, went to smart and final. The to the farmers market. It was really cool for once, I got a new gauge and belly ring.
Cole has confessed his undying invisible love for me. What a let down, well kind of.
I miss Dar, I thought I saw him today and I almost screamed out his name.
I worked on my history paper, and of course while Gina wasn't there I snuck on myspace, checked my stuff.
P.S. love, peace and rough sex.
I just got back from Mammoth, it was so fun to go snowboarding again. Saw a couple cuties, flirted a little. Met new people, new battle scars and bruises. Cole and I slept in the same room, it was interesting to say the least.
Got some great pictures.
It was a pretty good trip I'd have to say.
Still at Gina and Jon's. Today was kinda nice, but I have to say I really miss my room and my bed. I feel so strange being with them for so long. But if it were the same general routine everyday, can't be that bad. I mean we got up went to this bakery, went home, did laundry, watched a movie on pay per view, went to smart and final. The to the farmers market. It was really cool for once, I got a new gauge and belly ring.
Cole has confessed his undying invisible love for me. What a let down, well kind of.
I miss Dar, I thought I saw him today and I almost screamed out his name.
I worked on my history paper, and of course while Gina wasn't there I snuck on myspace, checked my stuff.
P.S. love, peace and rough sex.
erk.
April 3, 2009 - Friday.
Fuck! Today was my court date. Mom still doesn't know, Jon can't help. The PO officer says it's too late. So I'm fucked :]
Naturally. My life sucks. Yay me.
I had a huge fight with Loren last night. God me makes me hate men that much more. Jesus Christ all mighty that boy knows my fucking ouch buttons. What an asshole. Oy got to finish packing for Mammoth. I'll be back soon with a looooot more to say.
Fuck! Today was my court date. Mom still doesn't know, Jon can't help. The PO officer says it's too late. So I'm fucked :]
Naturally. My life sucks. Yay me.
I had a huge fight with Loren last night. God me makes me hate men that much more. Jesus Christ all mighty that boy knows my fucking ouch buttons. What an asshole. Oy got to finish packing for Mammoth. I'll be back soon with a looooot more to say.
happy days.
April 2, 2009 - Thursday.
Today was the first time in a long time that I've been genuinely happy. Without pills, without a shot, or a cigarette, no weed. Nothing. I'm kind of proud of myself in a way. Finally, happiness without force? How could it be? Amazing in it's own way don't you think.
Man only if you knew what a day I've had. Sincere joy yet still fighting threw my daily battles and those same old struggles.
As always, another daily fight with Anthony, yelling about the shitty things he says to his girlfriend. Then got yelled at by him later. Saw more crying and heard more complaining, always fun.
Got shunned by Adam, I always love that. I've been trying to get Otto to talk to me, it's really frustrating.
MAMMOTH WITH COLE IN TWO DAYS!
Today was the first time in a long time that I've been genuinely happy. Without pills, without a shot, or a cigarette, no weed. Nothing. I'm kind of proud of myself in a way. Finally, happiness without force? How could it be? Amazing in it's own way don't you think.
Man only if you knew what a day I've had. Sincere joy yet still fighting threw my daily battles and those same old struggles.
As always, another daily fight with Anthony, yelling about the shitty things he says to his girlfriend. Then got yelled at by him later. Saw more crying and heard more complaining, always fun.
Got shunned by Adam, I always love that. I've been trying to get Otto to talk to me, it's really frustrating.
MAMMOTH WITH COLE IN TWO DAYS!
the after math.
April 1, 2009 - Wednesday.
Yesterday will forever be the best day of my life. Other than the day I die.
Yesterday's...day:
Wake up
School
Balloons and cupcakes
Class
Bunch of happy birthdays
More class
Hugs
Class
Cupcake to the face
IMPACT slips
PE
Happy birthdays
Tardy lock-out with Daisey and Aaron
Then...The phone call.
It all leads to hell after that, dear God.
"This will be the birthday you never forget, it's the day you realized you are hated and the day your mother almost killed you."
Too bad she stopped herself.
Mike gave me a drink then sent me to bed.
An amazing night don't you think?
ttfn, oxox.
Yesterday will forever be the best day of my life. Other than the day I die.
Yesterday's...day:
Wake up
School
Balloons and cupcakes
Class
Bunch of happy birthdays
More class
Hugs
Class
Cupcake to the face
IMPACT slips
PE
Happy birthdays
Tardy lock-out with Daisey and Aaron
Then...The phone call.
It all leads to hell after that, dear God.
"This will be the birthday you never forget, it's the day you realized you are hated and the day your mother almost killed you."
Too bad she stopped herself.
Mike gave me a drink then sent me to bed.
An amazing night don't you think?
ttfn, oxox.
the birthday.
March 31, 2009 - Tuesday.
My 16th birthday. Woah. Came along so much faster when I stopped counting down.
My 16th birthday. Woah. Came along so much faster when I stopped counting down.
the start.
March 30, 2009 - Monday.
New diary, where will I begin? I'm trusting you to hold every secret I write in you, you will be my heart and soul and know every detail about me and my days. Every person in my life, every event at school and home. Every lifeful and dullfull moment. Every bruise, scream, cut, slap, fight, tear and sob that I hide from the world and deny myself. You'll know, you will feel and understand, sympathize, listen and hear. To start - to finish.
and to start off, my name is Keets. my birthday is march 31, 1993.
I have a list of friends I hold dear to me, they are currently:
Danielle, Amber, Anthony, Brittany, Vincent, Hannah, Manny, Agnes, and Sophia.
Adam, enemy since 8th grade. Is now my boyfriend. At least for now, Friday April 3 will be one month if I make it that long. Anyway, as it says "looking" - a couple weeks ago I met this guy who's my mom and Ray's old high school friend. He has a kid, who's a year older than me, Irish/Filipino looking a lot more Asian than Irish, braces, 5'5, named Cole. Major cutie. He tells me a lot of random things, we walk around my neighborhood for hours and hours and lay on the sidewalk looking at the stars. He's adorable. We talk almost all day, everyday. I'm kind of over Adam. Yet I still can't get Nate out of my head. Alonso and I kissed...
New diary, where will I begin? I'm trusting you to hold every secret I write in you, you will be my heart and soul and know every detail about me and my days. Every person in my life, every event at school and home. Every lifeful and dullfull moment. Every bruise, scream, cut, slap, fight, tear and sob that I hide from the world and deny myself. You'll know, you will feel and understand, sympathize, listen and hear. To start - to finish.
and to start off, my name is Keets. my birthday is march 31, 1993.
I have a list of friends I hold dear to me, they are currently:
Danielle, Amber, Anthony, Brittany, Vincent, Hannah, Manny, Agnes, and Sophia.
Adam, enemy since 8th grade. Is now my boyfriend. At least for now, Friday April 3 will be one month if I make it that long. Anyway, as it says "looking" - a couple weeks ago I met this guy who's my mom and Ray's old high school friend. He has a kid, who's a year older than me, Irish/Filipino looking a lot more Asian than Irish, braces, 5'5, named Cole. Major cutie. He tells me a lot of random things, we walk around my neighborhood for hours and hours and lay on the sidewalk looking at the stars. He's adorable. We talk almost all day, everyday. I'm kind of over Adam. Yet I still can't get Nate out of my head. Alonso and I kissed...
i'm starting
a series.
for andrew r. guberman.
since i am unable to read them to you, here it is.
the love diary.
for andrew r. guberman.
since i am unable to read them to you, here it is.
the love diary.
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