it happened.

May 18, 2019

Dear Sheila,

I've never felt so sure that my heart was breaking.
I'm not deserving that is known, yet I crave your love and affection.
I cannot say these words that fill my mind and soul.
Not by choice, I wish it was as easy for me to speak my heart's desire as it is for me to write them down.
I show what I pretend to feel, because I can't find a way to honestly convey.
Only time has shown me my digression.
Nothing more than the painful truths of myself.
I know, I accept, and I have embraced it on countless occasions.
I am; a liar, a manipulator, conniving, back-stabbing, malicious, bitch.
...and the worst part about it, I'm good at it.

I don't know how to change back to who I was.
I've lost everyone who had faith in me, though my own doing.
There is no one else to blame and I know that.
I can't say I'm sorry because I know you wont believe it.
It honestly doesn't matter what I say, you'll never believe me because of who I am.
Regardless of it all, I have no self pity or a want of sympathy.
I want an understanding.
I want to have an open honest discussion with no disbelief of bias views.
I know it seems useless to try so hard for someone who doesn't matter.
Someone you do nothing, but try to guide but shun at the same time.

At the bear minimum I believe I owe you as much as an honest valid explanation.
You shouldn't have to be burdened with someone you feel forced to love and gladly hate.

So let me remind you, I know I am rude, disobedient, a handful, a pathological liar, manipulator, disrespectful.
But I am damn fucking loyal, mother.
I am sincere and passionate.
I do care, no matter what you say or think, and yes. I called you a BITCH.
I say you're mean, and in my fucked up brain. You're abusive, beyond belief.
You are a mental mind-fuck, and a sadistic asshole.
You are just as much of an emotional roller coaster as I am.
No one can tell me I don't have a hard life, surely I'm spoiled as all hell, but I'm convinced it's a way to buy me.
Buy my respect, my love, my trust, a relationship between us and a way to keep me from being a hassle.

You say I was planned and wanted, but were you really ready to have me? Were you ready to keep me?
Mother, I love you with all the love that can possibly be held in this body.
But you drive me absolutely insane.
I know it's a mutual feeling, and oh does it show.